The 2018 Robin Hood Sucks Balls!

Ok, the 2018 Robin Hood movie is terrible.

Why is this NOT a good movie and how can it be fixed?

The movie has some great names behind it: Taron Egerton (Kingsmen) and Jamie Foxx (Jango Unchained and so much more) and is directed by Otto Bathurst (who’s known for Peaky Blinders). So a lot of huge names, so why’s it so bad?

Let’s start from the beginning!

It’s been some months since I saw it, but I will try my best to remember.

This is not how medieval combat worked?

The movie starts off with a squad of archers moving through ruins looking for enemies. They are ALL archers. And all the enemies are archers or use huge crossbows nailed to the floor. Everything is just arrows flying. So I’m thinking the director had seen a lot of modern war-movies, and simply replaced the assault rifles with bows and the machine guns with massive crossbows. That’s NOT how it ever was. What about infantrymen? Cavalry? One could argue it’s just this encounter, but there would not be any encounters like this. Who would send in a squad of ONLY archers into ruins? What if just around the corner stormed a butt-load of infantrymen? The archers would be slaughtered. Yes, I understand that it’s cool, but it’s DUMB.

Wouldn’t it be a lot cooler if our protagonist, Robin Hood (he has a different name at this point, and later just goes with ‘The Hood’, but imma call him Robin Hood, cause it sure robbed me of joy) was a lone archer, sneaking around in these ruins to keep his squad of infantry soldiers alive? Like, they slowly moved through these ruins, and Mr. Hood was sneaking around in the outskirts, or on different levels, saving them, really showing the value of having a great archer. I know this isn’t how it worked either, but at least it’s closer and makes the protagonist stand out more. Now he’s just some dude in a squad.

Anyway, Robin has a stand-off with John (Jamie Foxx), and John loses. He’s taken prisoner and his son is executed (I think, it’s a bit fuzzy here). Robin tries to save John’s child, but can’t, but it shows how good of a person he is, my oh my.

I’m gonna jump a little, to introduce the (reasonable) bad guy!

So Robin comes back to England and his estates are claimed by the Sheriff of Nottingham. Now Robin has to get him. Naturally. He attends this meeting where the sheriff talks to the masses, and he’s actually sort of reasonable: “taxes are high because we’re funding a war ways away to keep the bad men from coming to England,” but Robin ain’t having none of this shit - he’s a bad guy because he’s older and wears a gray robe AND THE MOVIE MUST HAVE A BAD GUY. So what’s Robin’s plan? He’s gonna infiltrate the sheriff’s council, while also donning a hood and stealing from him. Anyway, also at this gathering you have one guy screaming something like “for the people, you suck mister sheriff!” (this is important for later, but doesn’t come off this way).

Oh, and while all of this is happening, there’s of course . . . love.

So before Robin went to fight in the crusades of wherever he fought, he was in love, with Marian (Eve Hewson). After all, she did try to steal from him and is a beautiful lady, so it makes sense, right? They fall madly in love because . . . well, she’s pretty. I guess. Anyway, then he had to fight in the war, but now he’s back and it’s time to reunite with his lost love.

But no . . .

Remember the guy from earlier? The guy who screamed back to the sheriff? Yeah, that guy, she’s with him now, and his name is Will and it’s the Fifty Shades of Grey guy (decent actor though). That’s what Robin finds out when tracking her down, and decides to leave her alone, but then John finds him. John is Jamie Foxx by the way, and has now lost his arm I think, so he can’t shoot with a bow anymore. They team up to bring down the Sheriff, cause he’s a baddie, remember? Oh, he’s so bad (he’s not really that bad, I’ll show you later). They have a training montage where he’s teaching Robin to become a better fighter and there are some really cool shots here and there, but there’s also SO much dumb stuff.

They’re just wearing normal sweaters!

First of all: they’re wearing sweaters! It looks like normal sweaters like we’re using in our time. This isn’t the best image, but if you see the movie, try to notice how nice and cool their clothes in these scenes are. And there is also another foolish thing that I would have LOVED when I was 14. I’m not saying 14-year-olds are stupid (though I was at the time), but as I’ve gotten older, such a cool scene becomes just really dumb. What is it?

Ok. There’s this scene where Robin has had enough of all this training, and is fed up. So Jamie, sorry, John, decides to teach him a lesson. He tells Robin to shoot him. Reluctantly, Robin does so, unloading a bunch of arrows in John’s face - but he bats them all away with a cane - and ITS SOOOO COOL. But like, why?? What if you missed one and there you go - dead. It’s such a risky thing to pull off just to show that Robin can’t load arrows quickly enough. Is it visually cool? Yes. Is it a clever thing to do? HELL NO.

Anyway, so Robin infiltrates the Sheriff’s council.

So after “The Hood” has been introduced to Nottingham, and everybody is afraid of this masked menace, Robin also wants to get close to the sheriff. This way, everybody learns that Robin of Loxley has returned after thinking he was dead. The sheriff had no idea, and I think he reinstates Robin’s properties to him. Very bad guy as you can see. In every shot where Robin is talking to the sheriff, but not looking at him, he looks fucking furious. Like he REALLY wants to off this guy. Why though? It’s never been established. He’s stealing from the poor probably. Through really forced conversation, the sheriff loves Robin, especially when he tells some of the other council members to scramble off. And like that, he has his in. It was that simple.

When exiting, Robin randomly meets Will (Fifty Shades guy and his ex’s new bf). Robin states how Will is like a man of the people. How they all look to him. And I was like: “What?? Are we supposed to know this because of an off-handed comment in one scene where he shouts from a crowd?” It’s just a small comment that’s forgotten a second later. No one even joins in on Will’s chant at the time. Couldn’t they at least have echoed his sentence?

Well, well, the two guys talk, and they’re just really angry at each other. I don’t know why Will is so angry at Robin, but it feels like he knows that Robin is “The Hood” and this angers him because . . . <<Insert Reasons>>.

Let’s jump a little more . . . to the really dumb stuff.

Ok, so a lot of stuff happens, and one of these things is that the sheriff hires a specialist squad to deal with the hood - and it’s Robin’s former general in the army. He’s actually imposing and suddenly I feared a little more for dear Robin’s safety.

Anyway, there’s a party, an important party to get into, hosted by the sheriff. Robin is of course invited, cause he’s starting to get friendly with the man, but customs is that two commoners are also invited to represent the people . . . I think. The reason is getting blurry in my mind, BUT whatever because it’s Marian (Robin’s lost ex) and Will (her new bf and ‘voice of the people’). Just by coincidence. So now they are at the party too, and two very important things happen here:

Important thing one: Marian’s outburst.

There’s this one scene where the sheriff is standing around a table with Robin and some other people, and Marian approaches. And OH MY the things she says to the sheriff is so out of bounds that in Game of Thrones she would have been executed on the spot. I don’t remember exactly what she says, but she’s outright ridiculing him in front of his peers, and even those below him. She states how he’s stealing from the people and that judgement will come for him. What does he do? Nothing. He just takes it. He doesn’t seem like such a bad guy, right? What’s happening here is that the director is TELLING us that he’s a bad guy, NOT showing us. Which do you think leaves a larger impression?

Important thing two: Robin’s actions have no consequences

There’s a REALLY strong moment in the movie, where we could really get some character development for Robin, but no . . . instead, the director just took the easy way of no consequences. I’m guessing he wouldn’t dare risk anything. I read somewhere that the “Fear of risk, is the death of imagination”. That applies here:

The sheriff goes into this room which Robin desperately needs to get into, but he doesn’t have high enough clearance yet and must wait outside. His friend, who is also a monk, walks up to him and they talk (he’s been in the whole movie, but there’s been no point in bringing him up until now). This monk knows of Robin’s secret identity as “The HoOooOod” and is also a part of the hidden uprising, with Robin, to get rid of the sheriff. Robin decides to use his monk friend to get closer to the sheriff and forcefully throws him through the doors into the room where the sheriff is talking to a bigger baddie from the church.

Robin says he’s found one in the uprising, a rebel, and totally outs his monk friend. The sheriff is furious as wishes to have the monk killed, and hands Robin the knife. Can you feel the tension? I could. Will Robin kill his friend for the sake of a larger cause? How much does it mean to him to bring down this corrupted man? The knife’s in his hand. He stares his friend in his terrified eyes. I’m not gonna drag this out. He doesn’t kill him, instead he says it would be a greater punishment to cast him out of the church, and out of the eyes of God. The sheriff and the high-priest (or whatever he is) agrees and there you go. No consequences.

How to fix this:

This is such a golden opportunity to have a great character moment. Say that he killed his friend, and it truly hurt him to the core, but it had to be done to keep is cover, and Robin has to deal with it. Firstly, it could be used as a wedge to create more tension between these people in the uprising. Marian and Will would wonder if they could trust Robin or not, and he’d have to prove through courageous acts that he is actually on their side, all while dealing with the horrible actions he had to perform to get peace. It would add a lot of depth to the story. Freedom doesn’t come free, it has its cost. But nono, a hero has to only be good and pure of heart.

Robin’s former commander enters the game

Either before or after this, Robin or “The Hood” has to flee because he tried to rob a great bank or some shit went down at the party, and the specialist squad is on his tail . . . and they do NOTHING. I mean, it’s like the knights of Ren in the Rise of Skywalker - they just don’t do shit. They don’t ‘‘almost get him,’’ and they pose no larger threat at all. WHY BRING THEM INTO THE STORY THEN? What this does, is that the next time they appear to try to get Robin, I’m not gonna be scared. I’m not gonna feel the tension.

Time for the big showdown!

So it’s time for the big showdown of the movie and I’m only gonna touch on the stupid things. Marian has left Will for Robin and the two are reunited, but she doesn’t know he’s “The Hood”. Robin appears in front of the commoners with his mask on, inspiring them to cause a rebellion. The war starts and some stupid stuff goes down:

Robin saves Marian and together they flee on horses. She removes his hood, not surprised when it’s him. After this point, he never puts the mask back on. Like, was he only using it to hide his identity from her? Suddenly he doesn’t care about his secret identity. Let everybody see!

At some point, he doubts his abilities, and Marian gives this really cliche speech that he is the only one who can do it. If not him, then nobody. He has to get up again and finish this. So he does.

Robin’s former commander, the specialist, joins in again, this time really ready to get “The Hood”, but as a viewer, I’m not even scared. And that’s good, cause NOTHING happens. He follows Robin on horseback and achieves nothing before Robin just outrides him.

During this whole rebellion there is ONE THING that seems small but really infuriates me. Robin and Marian are finally together again, and in almost all their encounters they’re smiling to each other. You have serious moments where they are doing vital work to topple this empire, but they smile and are just two happy little lovebirds. It seriously takes away the seriousness of the moments. Like, I get that they’re happy to be together, but stop smiling so much to each other, stay focused on the task at hand! It would show a lot more determination of they put aside their love and remained resolute on their task, and not SMILE SO MUCH! I have nothing against smiling, but that’s just not the place for it, as it tells me that everything is fine.

In the end, Jamie Foxx kills the sheriff and Will becomes the bad guy for the sequel, which WILL NEVER happen.

Judgement

This movie is not good and did not do well. It’s a 3/10 from me. The actors are doing a good job, but the storyline is terrible and there is no risk.

Thanks a lot for reading! If I got you all the way down here, wow! Thanks!!

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